I lost my son Valentine’s Day, 2010. And since that moment I have sent daily emails to myself so I will remember every moment and every reaction I’ve had. As a result, my world has expanded. Please join me, from here, or the first post below, or anywhere in-between; read the emails, talk to me, and tell me if you see what I see.

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4 thoughts on “I lost my son Valentine’s Day, 2010. And since that moment I have sent daily emails to myself so I will remember every moment and every reaction I’ve had. As a result, my world has expanded. Please join me, from here, or the first post below, or anywhere in-between; read the emails, talk to me, and tell me if you see what I see.

  1. Tom, I have thought of you often ever since Susan told me of your tragic loss. In my own situation I strongly resented anyone who responded that it was God’s will. With that being said, apparently Alex was a very special soul to have been called home so soon!

    • Thanks for your comment! I know… another one that I’ve resented is people telling me that Alex lives on in the natural world around me — he’s the trees, the sky, the sun, the grass. But the fact is that all those things were there before, so it’s not enough of an answer. I do feel more and more understanding of others as they struggle to say the right thing, I can’t blame them really; I tend to chalk it up to our culture as one that puts such a priority on staving off death and avoiding it, that when it happens in any way that’s not ordinary, for which we are well rehearsed, such as the loss of an elderly grandmother, we flounder and stumble, unprepared. But haven’t we had centuries to prepare?

      Thanks a lot Sandra, and for all that Susan brings to us every day, of course.

      It’s great hearing form you.

  2. So sorry for your loss. Not exactly sure how I came across this page but here I am. I was just reading your reply about things that people say. A few years back my 16 year old 2nd cousin was struck by a truck and killed instantly. I found out that evening and struggled all night on what I would say to his mother (my cousin) in the morning. I was literally terrified to make the phone call to her. I’m still trying to figure out why it was so difficult. I have an opinion but that is all it is. 20 some years ago I had an elder brother who was diagnosed with AIDS. When he told me, I thought I understood how he felt. I empathized as much as I could and I was there for him. Within a couple of years of his diagnosis I was diagnosed with Acute Leukemia. It was then that I understood how he felt with a terminal diagnosis. At least for me at that time there was some hope! He was 34 when he passed away and I was 23. I have now reached 46 and still struggle with how to approach others who have lost someone. I think it is especially difficult to speak to a parent who has lost a child. I know for me it was because there I was nothing I could do to make my cousin feel any better. I could empathize all I wanted but that wasn’t going to help. I felt she was somewhere that I couldn’t reach and didn’t want to reach. Kind of like it was with my brother and I. Yes I know now that just being by her side was a help but there was nothing I could say to bring her son back or to end her pain. Such a helpless feeling. And after all that I went on to be a Hospice volunteer. I never thought I could do it. Wishing your hearts peace on this journey of yours. Again, so very sorry for the loss of your son.

    • Hey Alison — thanks so very much for taking the time to share that with me. You make a really great point, and remind me that often, even the most empathetic of us just can’t find the words. With what you have been through between your cousin, your brother, and yourself, you certainly are intimately familiar with that struggle. And the fact that you still do understand it as a helpless feeling, brings perspective to my own frustration, especially that which I felt during those first months. I’m so sorry to hear about your brother, and your cousin. I wish you the best with your health, and please know you made a difference tonight by commenting and enlightening me.

      Thank you again, and please take care.

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